Monday, January 31, 2011

Miscarriage Support

For some reason, miscarriage tends to be a taboo subject.  I’m not sure why, when it is far more common than one might think.  Perhaps as women we tend to feel as if our bodies have failed us and to have every one aware of that fact would be too much of a burden to carry.
For those women who have not experienced the loss of a pregnancy it helps to know how to support those who have, what to say, what not say and how to ease their pain.
*I realize every woman is different, and what has helped me may not be helpful to someone else so I can’t speak for every woman everywhere.* 
As someone who has experienced three different types of losses in the past year (early miscarriage at 7 weeks, an ectopic and a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks) I wanted to express what has helped ease my pain in hopes that it will help others.  Now, most women miscarry very early on in their pregnancy at a time when others aren’t even aware the woman was pregnant and it’s difficult to support in those circumstances.  But if you ARE aware, here are a few tips.
1. Acknowledge the loss, NO MATTER HOW EARLY IT WAS.  A pregnancy is a pregnancy, the potential for a baby and a forever altered future and it hurts immensely when all those hopes are dashed, whether it be at 5 weeks or 10 weeks.
2. Do not tell them, “It’s for the best.” Even if you have the greatest of intentions, those words are like a slap in the face.  It’s never “best” for a woman to lose a baby she so badly wanted.
3.  Use your judgment and continue to ask how they are feeling about the loss even weeks later.  Most people will forget or start ignoring the woman’s loss after a couple weeks.  But no woman who has experienced it will forget. Ever.
4. Depending on your relationship, if you feel comfortable, send them a note or a treat.  Express your deepest sorrow and let them know you are there whenever they need you.  I cannot tell you how much these acts of kindness have saved me and how they lifted my spirits.  It meant the world to me, even if it took them five minutes out of their day.
5. Do not tell them, “Well it’s really common.” For some reason, this sentiment made my losses feel insignificant, as if they don’t matter.  Every loss is as important as the woman feels it is. Gauge their tone and match your sympathy to their feelings.
6. Hug them.  Even if they aren’t huggers. 
7. Emails, texts and phone calls are invaluable when you are not in close proximity.
8. Even though I know those who say this are only trying to make me feel better about the situation, the saying, “It wasn’t in God’s plan” or something similar just makes it hurt all the more.  God doesn’t want me to have another child?  Am I not doing a good job with the children I already have?  Or if the woman who doesn’t have children at all, can you imagine how much it would tear down her self esteem? God doesn’t want her to be a mother?  And I know this isn’t the intention of the sympathizers but those are the thoughts that run through our heads.  If you bring up the subject of God or Heavenly Father, only tell them how much He loves them and is aware of their pain.  That’s all that needs to be said.
9. Depending on the relationship, tell them you love them.
10.  Take them out for dinner or a pedicure.  Plan a girls’ night out, anything to take their mind off the pain.  But don’t sidestep the issue, ask them how they are feeling and if they want to talk about it, they will.

These are only a few things I thought of that have helped me in my emotional recovery and I hope that those who read this can help a friend or a family member find her way out of the heartache caused by a miscarriage.

12 comments:

Jae said...

This is awesome Carly. I wish I could print it off and hand it out to anyone and everyone I meet.

KickButtMommy said...

You nailed it, Carly. That is exactly how I have felt with my losses.

Nathaly Blalock said...

Totally agree.
Can I just add two more don'ts?
1. While visiting them to try to make them feel better, do not say, "It's just too bad that this happened to you, because having a baby grow inside your belly is just the GREATEST thing in the whole world."
2. Do not call them immediately after their D&C and start crying on the phone saying, "If it makes you feel any better, my day sucked too because my boss yelled at me. Ugh. We're both having such bad days."

For real.

Chance said...

a lot of these go for the husband as well. While it's a different emotional experience for him, it's still a somber time. I was fixated on helping my wife through the struggle that I didn't realize it was taking an emotional toll on me until a friend pulled me aside to give me a hug and ask how I was doing. A dudes' night out was something that helped me with our miscarriage.

Vanessa said...

You said it perfectly! I found myself nodding my head and totally appreciating and agreeing with each of your points. Honestly, they just don't get it unless they've gone through it. Thankyou!

Lindsay said...

Great post, Carly! So many helpful ideas. I so admire your wisdom and insight. Thanks for sharing!

Brittany Webster said...

Great post! I wish I could have posted this when I had my miscarriage. Good tips for everyone to remember!

Becky said...

Yeah, I've always wondered why miscarriage is such a taboo subject when it happens to SO many women. Thanks for addressing it.

What a great post! I love #1. When I miscarried, I would even tell people, "Well, it's not that big of a deal. I was only _ weeks along." But it WAS a big deal, and it was a loss.

erica said...

thanks for the thoughts. I really don't know what to say.

Nicole said...

Great post! I appreciated this because I don't know what it feels like.
I could however apply almost everything to when a loved one passes. I remember one of the most insensitive things someone said to me when my mom died was "Oh that really sucks," ummm really that sucks, do you even know what that word is referring to! Uuuugh.

Emili said...

I wish I had found this earlier Carly. It was nice to read and I agree with you 100%. You are amazing for taking the time to put it so eloquently.

Jenn said...

Thanks for your thoughts. I had so much support after my ectopic a few months ago, but there were still those few things that you wish people would think through. It is nice to have things out in the open. Why can't we talk about the things that hurt like crazy?