For those women who have not experienced the loss of a pregnancy it helps to know how to support those who have, what to say, what not say and how to ease their pain.
*I realize every woman is different, and what has helped me may not be helpful to someone else so I can’t speak for every woman everywhere.*
As someone who has experienced three different types of losses in the past year (early miscarriage at 7 weeks, an ectopic and a missed miscarriage at 14 weeks) I wanted to express what has helped ease my pain in hopes that it will help others. Now, most women miscarry very early on in their pregnancy at a time when others aren’t even aware the woman was pregnant and it’s difficult to support in those circumstances. But if you ARE aware, here are a few tips.1. Acknowledge the loss, NO MATTER HOW EARLY IT WAS. A pregnancy is a pregnancy, the potential for a baby and a forever altered future and it hurts immensely when all those hopes are dashed, whether it be at 5 weeks or 10 weeks.
2. Do not tell them, “It’s for the best.” Even if you have the greatest of intentions, those words are like a slap in the face. It’s never “best” for a woman to lose a baby she so badly wanted.
3. Use your judgment and continue to ask how they are feeling about the loss even weeks later. Most people will forget or start ignoring the woman’s loss after a couple weeks. But no woman who has experienced it will forget. Ever.
4. Depending on your relationship, if you feel comfortable, send them a note or a treat. Express your deepest sorrow and let them know you are there whenever they need you. I cannot tell you how much these acts of kindness have saved me and how they lifted my spirits. It meant the world to me, even if it took them five minutes out of their day.
5. Do not tell them, “Well it’s really common.” For some reason, this sentiment made my losses feel insignificant, as if they don’t matter. Every loss is as important as the woman feels it is. Gauge their tone and match your sympathy to their feelings.
6. Hug them. Even if they aren’t huggers.
7. Emails, texts and phone calls are invaluable when you are not in close proximity.
8. Even though I know those who say this are only trying to make me feel better about the situation, the saying, “It wasn’t in God’s plan” or something similar just makes it hurt all the more. God doesn’t want me to have another child? Am I not doing a good job with the children I already have? Or if the woman who doesn’t have children at all, can you imagine how much it would tear down her self esteem? God doesn’t want her to be a mother? And I know this isn’t the intention of the sympathizers but those are the thoughts that run through our heads. If you bring up the subject of God or Heavenly Father, only tell them how much He loves them and is aware of their pain. That’s all that needs to be said.
9. Depending on the relationship, tell them you love them.
10. Take them out for dinner or a pedicure. Plan a girls’ night out, anything to take their mind off the pain. But don’t sidestep the issue, ask them how they are feeling and if they want to talk about it, they will.
These are only a few things I thought of that have helped me in my emotional recovery and I hope that those who read this can help a friend or a family member find her way out of the heartache caused by a miscarriage.
